How to find a partner in BDSM.
by Maître Pierre and Mistress Catharine
There are many ways to find a partner but because of differences in situation such as geographical, social or simply practical, some of the details in this article may or may not apply.
While writing these lines W/we are looking at three emails W/we received lately. They are like many others W/we have received and that W/we will probably receive; all asking how to find a BDSM partner.
Here are some tips and facts that W/we have gathered during O/our experience in the lifestyle:
- There are about 3 times more men than women in the lifestyle.
For security and social reasons, women are less likely to "come out of the closet" as BDSM players. It seems to be less of a problem for men....but still the vast majority of both men and women are secretive.
- There are about 4 male Doms for every female sub.
Yes! The ladies can pick their choice. There are many many male subs for every female Domme, W/we have heard estimates of as high as 100 to 1. Again the ladies can choose....like Catharine says, "a dime for a dozen for subs!"
- As for switches, about 25 percent of players switch in some form, but this, W/we talk about further in this article.
In these numbers, W/we do not talk about professional Mistresses who do this for money and not for the love of the lifestyle. W/we do not talk either about homosexual players (men/men and female/female) because, the rules are different with the homosexual communities. And finally W/we don't talk about couples recruiting a slave or a plaything.
As always in dating, it is the L/ladies who pick and choose their P/partners and it is up to the males be T/they subs or doms to woo the L/ladies. Now, let's see how a logical search for a P/partner goes;
The goal of this search is to get a discussion going between the prospect partner and Y/you. From there, Y/you may have a chance to have something that will go further with this P/partner that has Y/your interest.
If Y/you want to find a P/partner there are many solutions possible;
- Ads in specialized magazines
- Ads in specialized websites
- Social gatherings in the lifestyle (munches)
- Play party (private or public)
- Chat rooms - Introductions from other L/lifestylers.
- Others ....
- Ads either in specialized magazines or websites:
They usually all work in the same fashion. To put an ad, it is usually free, but to be able to answer an ad, Y/you have to pay. (At least the men pay, but not the women). They are good ways to meet a possible P/partner. But remember usually the L/ladies just have to wait for an answer to their ads while M/men have to do the initial contact. Sometimes a L/lady will answer an ad but this is NOT the usual. Again, remember that L/ladies will be overwhelmed by the number of answers to T/their ads while M/men will be waiting to a reply to T/their ads. Yes some things in society don't change.
- Social gatherings in the lifestyle:
These gatherings are usually in the form of a munch where P/people in the BDSM lifestyle meet in a non-threatening situation. Usually there is no dress code and these meetings are oriented so P/people can talk and exchange views on the lifestyle. According to O/our experience there is always more Doms present in these gathering then subs. And again, more men then women.
- Play party (private or public): The public party is often advertised on the net or in specialized magazines. Anyone can go. This is the problem with these parties; many people go to these parties but many P/players don't. Some P/players just dont like public play. Except for a very few places, there is not enough intimacy for many P/players, so T/they prefer to go to private parties. To make things worse, often the P/people who go to these parties, go with P/partners already. For private parties, usually these play parties are "on invitation only" and the organizer of this party will invite "the good crowd". Again, same problem as the public party, players O/often go as couple.
- Chat rooms: Many, many people play in cyber on chat rooms. Nothing wrong with that, but many people, men and women, are not ready to do the real thing. If Y/you are man or woman looking, be careful....lots of wannabes !!!! - others: Believe it or not but it is possible to meet P/players in regular vanilla situations. Maybe the lady cashier at grocery is a Dom, or the gentlemen who lives across the street is a sub, just keep your eyes peeled.
let's go more in details;
- Submissive woman looking for a male Dom:
Like W/we said, ladies have it easy. For ads, make sure that you put an ad with exactly what you need and want in it. Unless there is something very unusual about you, male Doms are going to line up to meet you. Choose the one best suited for you. If you go to munches or play parties and you make it obvious that you are not accompanied by a Dom, male Doms looking for a partner will line up to see and talk to you because there are always lots of single male Doms present at these events.
- Dominant woman looking for a submissive male:
Remember " a dime for a dozen male subs". It is true. Ads work amazingly well for female Doms. Play parties and munches too! Just make sure that in your ad you specified what you need and what you want from a male sub. A female Dom friend, proof reading that article, told U/us that a lot of male subs are afraid to "come out of the closet". And often the ones who "come out of the closet" are just looking for a fast cheap thrill. So be careful, ads works well, but many male subs are not serious.
According to the same female Dom friend, many male subs are scared to meet a prospective female Dom in a public place. W/we are not talking about public play here, but many men are scared to admit that they are submissive. Well, they must do their part. If the refuse to show up in a public place for the first meeting with You, how can You trust that man to do anything else in play!
- Dominant male looking for a submissive woman:
The trouble starts here. Because there are 4 men to every submissive woman in the lifestyle, it makes the search hard. Male Doms MUST BE patient! There are always a lot more ads for male Doms looking for a female submissive then there are ads for female submissive doing a search for a Dom. A searching male Dom will have to answer many many ads to receive a few replies. Not many female subs go alone to munches and play parties so, W/we are not saying that it is impossible to meet a female sub there but let's just say it is unlikely.
- Submissive male looking for Dominant female:
One rule for men here....BE VERY PATIENT AND KEEP TRYING!!!!! Male submissives make the majority of players in the BDSM lifestyle. There are not many female Doms looking for a male sub. Female Doms can take their time to chose. Ads for sub male usually make the bulk of any ads service. The possibility for a male sub ad to be answered by a female Dom is almost nil. Male subs have to answer a lot of ads to get a reply.
There are a lot of male subs out there just looking for a fast thrill. Because of them, male subs have to deal with a bad reputation problem. To fight this problem, you must show that possible female Dom that you are serious by being constant in your communication and very patient. Many submissive males are scared to admit to themselves and of course publicly that they are submissive. But gentlemen, if you don't meet that goddess in a public place for the first time, how can She trust you in play, when you don't want to do your part in the first meeting!
- Switch looking for switch:
The best partner for a switch is.....a switch. If a switch, male or female gets with a non-switch partner, problems may arise when the switch wants to change sides. Communication and respect are the rules here. But again, a relationship between a switch and a non-switch is possible with good results....look at U/us; Pierre is male Dom and Catharine(katy) is a female switch....:)
Do's and dont's:
- For women:
Well ladies, in the BDSM lifestyle YOU are the one who decides on the partner whether Y/you're a Dom, a sub or a switch. If Y/you put an ad, just be patient and replies will pour in. Choose carefully. Remember, to be safe and find the proper partner that you need. You can be choosy. By the way, you could be a very small woman or a BBW (Big and Beautiful Woman) there is a male looking for you, so YOU CAN choose. Take Y/your time and get to know this male P/partner that Y/you are interested in. There is no rush, YOU set the pace even if you are a sub. When your future master will collar you, it will be the time to follow order but if your are looking for a male dom, a strange as it seemed, keep the control of the discussion with the future male Dom, your safety demands it!
If you are a female DOM, well, this is not a problem....:) Remember, many men want the play NOW!!!! If you want to find a good male sub, just be patient and make them wait until you are ready, time will purify the quality of these prospects. If a male sub is willing to wait and be patient, it's already showing his pontential as a sub....:) But Ladies, don't put that male sub in a delicate situation at the first meeting. When You will collar him, You will be able to do whatever You want, but in the beginning, be easy on him, often they are not confident to show their submissivness and to push them too fast could result in you losing a very good male sub. Be patient.
- For men:
W/we have to confess that this article is written mostly for men because they are the O/ones who write most often to U/us. Yes, women have the control in the search for partners in the BDSM lifestyle so men HAVE to play by their rules even if you are a DOM!!!! W/we know of male DOMS that when they find a new female sub prospect they try immediately to DOM them....BIG MISTAKE!!!! Usually, before a woman will accept to be Dominated in Real Life, she will want to build a bridge of trust between her and her future DOM. If You go too fast and push too hard, You will simply alienate the possible lady prospect.... Like a vanilla relationship, You must sell the social side of You before You can get further.
If you are a male sub looking, like the male Dom, you must again sell the social side of yourself to find that partner, except here, of course, the lady Dom is in total control of the discussion. It looks good for male subs to be able to "help" the female Dom by doing house chores or some other task. If a male sub doesn't want to do this kind of thing, usually, a gift will be appreciated to the female Dom. Remember that male subs have bad rep. You must show that you are a good prospect by showing that you are serious in the lifestyle.
- Ads and women.
For a woman, an ad is a very easy and efficient way to find a male partner. Because W/we believe that an ideal partnership in the BDSM lifestyle is very important, ladies, it is important that you put EXACTLY what you are looking for. What are your needs and liking in the fetish world. Do you want a durable relationship like 24/7, someone who would marry you, or just a occasional play partner? What geographical part of this world you want this partner to live in?
- Ads and men
Ok men, here's an example:
Car for sale, good condition, clean, good motor. ......
Not much to try to sale a car, hmmm? W/we see ads of male Doms and male subs like this ALL THE TIME!!!!
"Male Dom looking for female sub"......or "very submissive male looking for a mistress"
are simply very boring!!!! All the subs W/we know are VERY submissive... W/we do not know any female subs or Doms that would answer an ad like this. In your ad, tell the people what makes you special, any special kinks, what part of this world are you in, do you have a car, ready to travel to meet someone? Before you can sell yourself with BDSM arguments, try to sell yourself with vanilla and social arguments.
Beautiful 1967 metallic green Mustang for sale, low mileage, 301 motor with special header and modifed transmission, with brand new 400 watt stereo and mags. Must sell for family reasons (expecting first kid soon!)"
That's an ad! Make yours the same.
"Male Dom from the Montreal area, late thirties, 5 foot 11 tall, weight accordingly, love outdoors, music, kids and dogs. Looking for a female sub, very submissive or newbie to be trained. I am very strict but in a loving way. Have fetish about clothing and bondage. Special interest in whips."
Don't you think an ad like this is better? But remember, you will have to answer ads, your ad being there often simply lets that prospect lady know more about you. If you answer an ad, tell more about yourself, if you send a pic, make it good, not fuzzy and try to have a full pic of you not just the face. Yes, on the pic, wear something that makes you look gppd! You could in that letter tell them a story (BDSM of course) about how you would play with them, again, remember the social side of you, you like music, because.... You like kids because..... A two line answer to an ad usually goes straight to the garbage bin. If you don't put an effort in your ad and your reply to one, the lady at the other end won't either. Remember, she can choose, she is usually overwhelmed by mail from other men. You must make yours better!
- Social gathering and women:
Often women, when they can, will go to a munch or a play party with friends. Some go alone, but usually they are too shy to do so. If you go with a couple or a Male Dom to whom you are not collared and have no desire to be, at the munch or the play party, step aside from that friend. It's ok for these friends to check on you, but let the men know that you are available. Usually a lady sitting by herself doesn't stay alone long...:) If somebody approaches you to talk, make them know what side of the lifestyle you are (Dom, or submissive).
- Social gathering and men:
If You see a woman that seems to be by herself, go and introduce yourself politely. Remember, maybe her Dom or Her sub is gone to get drinks. Don't make any "faux pas" by assuming that lady is available. If she is not and you ask, usually she will let you know, politely that she isn't. If she does, you can either go your way after you wish her a good evening to if you want to talk to her, ask. If she says no, don't insist. In a munch, it does not give you a good reputation if people know you as a rude or insisting man. You must have a good reputation or someone may tell that prospect lady that you have a "bad rep". In a play party, insisting could result simply of you being expelled from that play party. Again, reputation....
- Chatrooms and women:
Women in chatrooms are always very successful to find a man to chat with. Just use a bit of caution when you speak to someone (security first). It could very well be that you meet that Dom or sub of your dreams.. but is H/he half a world away? Be realistic when it comes to long distance relationships and remember Y/you can limit your geographic sphere.
- Chatrooms and men:
There are many men in chatrooms. W/we have witnessed often men jumping from chat room to chat room to find a play partner. That's a big mistake. It is fine if Y/you just want to have a cyber quickie but if Y/you want to find someone in real life to play with, Y/you must look more serious. Often when Catharine opens Her chat room, sub men would appear and immediately ask Catharine to Dom them, without any discussion or presentation. To make things worse, in the chat rooms there are rules that are sent to all N/newcomers saying, "No trolling". Well, these male sub claims to be very submissive, but don't follow the first rule that they encounter. That does not make a good impression.
- General rules for women:
Safety is the first issue. Everything you do to meet a new partner must be done under this primary rule. If the male partner is not happy and gives you trouble because you are trying to be safe, get someone else. How can you trust a man who doesn't even respect the right to safety! Remember that there are a lot of men looking for a partner, you have the choice. Choose well. A special note to female subs: don't forget the choice of Dom is yours.. not the Doms.
- General rules for men:
Respect the women. For a woman, to meet a complete stranger is a BIG deal. She needs to be feeling safe. Be patient and respect their fear. Time will make that trust build between you. If you find an ad or a partner in a chat room, well do your homework first, try to find any information about that lady. Read their profile if they have any, if a lady is the host of a chatrooms, read the rules. You don't want to ask her if she can Dom you if you're a male sub, when she specifically put a rule about no trolling. Instead, take the time to talk with her. This is the way to open opportunities with a prospect. If you find an ad about a possible female partner, well read the WHOLE ad! W/we have talked with a bi woman who put an ad looking for a female partner. She told U/us that she had received many email from men who obviously never read the ad completely. There is nothing wrong to send a request to such a ad, but if you're not what the ad ask for, be very polite and nice in your email, sometimes it work!
Show the ladies with who you are and that you are serious and not just looking for a cyber quickie. If you're a sub, sell the things that you can do to help around. Many Doms ladies have the same problem; lack of time! If that lady has to choose between two subs, and find out that one can help her around the house, usually it helps her to choose. If you are a Dom and a submissive lady have to choose between two Doms, well, if you can help her by doing general maintenance around the house or give her lift with your car, it help. I know, it is not Dom-like to do this, but, remember, ladies are the ONE to choose to give their submission. Make the scale tips in your favor.
- How did W/we meet?
W/we found each other on a specialized website through an ad. It took 2 years to Pierre to find katy. Remember, patience is a virtue. Pierre and Catharine(katy) have lot of experience, both bad and good in T/their search. Now that W/we Dom others together, W/we are back to the strange world of looking for subs. So W/we continue to be witness to the way some subs react. Men often after a few emails will stop talking to U/us. Women seemed to be more tenacious.
So if you are a man or a woman, you are bi and interested in being Dommed by a couple, well, write to U/us and show U/us that you read the whole article....:)
Good luck in your search!
Pierre and Catharine(katy)
ŠTHE BDSM CIRCLE 2001