Things in BDSM, from its philosophy, are never black and white. One could think that something like a safeword would be different and people all agree on the way to use it and that the usage of a safeword would be simple and clear! I am afraid it is not!

Catharine and I believe that a safeword is the device that makes BDSM consensual. I believe that one of the big difference between a BDSM'er doing a scene and a maniac's doing torture is the concept of the willing bottom or submissive contrary to a victim who is obviously non-consensual. Again, the consensual part!

According to the BDSM philosophy; a safeword is a word, when mention usually by the submissive or bottom, will make the scene or play stop. On purpose, I am keeping this description short. You will understand why in this article.

Catharine, a few years ago, has written a very simple and amazing article about safewords. Everything you need to know about the proper usage of a safeword (according to us) is at: "Safewords"

This should be the end of this article! Yeah right! (sigh!)

Since this site was born, we have received MANY emails commenting about safewords. During munches and BDSM social events, many discussions have been made from Catharine's article. Some of the comments given or send to us have been.......let's say interesting!

Safewords:

This is a synopsis of the different discussions and conversations through the years that we had. You may find some of these discussions surprising, but remember, we had these discussion in situations where people were encouraged to share their belief and I am certain that these comments will enlighten you....like they enlightened us at the time!

- A lady Dominant with whom I had a wonderful discussion, was saying to me that if a sub had any safewords with her, she would feel that he didn't trust her and she would not accept such a sub around her. When I asked her when she would "know" when the sub was in difficulty her answer was "that she would know because she is good at what she does!" I know this Domme well and I know she is a good Domme, even if she does not believe in the usage of the safeword. This type of belief surprises you? This lady is not the only one that has such beliefs; we have met many other Dominants, men and women that share that belief. The only difference is that this lady Dom was more public about it than others. My opinion that I shared with her was this one: I understood and respected her opinion about the trust issue with the safeword and I presented her this example: How would she know if, a new male sub under heavy bondage and restrains who suddenly, during a scene would feel ill, would be in difficulties if because of him being new, she didn't know how "to read him"? She answered that she would know anyway. Of course, I disagree with her.

Which bring us to this example:

- I would know if my submissive is in trouble because I have been with this submissive for so long!

I am the first one to accept the fact that, when you have been with someone for a certain amount of time, you "will be able to predict and read well" their body language. I know because Catharine and I do it with the submissives of our stable. But I always answer like this: The safeword is like a safety belt in your car; why wear it? You are a good driver and you will never have an accident! But what if one day, you're a bit distracted and....... What if, one day, you are playing with your submissive and you get tired and distracted.....that you don't read your partner well that time? I don't know about you, but it has happened to us and the safeword made a possible bad situation that could have been like a tragedy ... turned into just a little thing that we laugh about because the submissive warned us in time about something we did not see!

More...:

- The submissive didn't call the safeword so I am not responsible!

Catharine's pet peeve!

Some Dominant will voluntary ignore any dangerous condition or will go beyond negotiated limits on purpose......Their defense; "The submissive should have used their safeword!" Yes some Dominant will hide behind this, refusing to take any responsibility on the pretense that the safeword was not used. The philosophy behind what we call SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) asks of the Dominant in charge of the scene that if he or she feels that the submissive has had enough, they should stop (Sane). What really bothers me about this is the fact that some submissive, when they actually are in subspace, they cannot judge if a play is too intense for them for the simple reasons that they are completely "gone" and unaware of their realities....how can a Dom pretend that the submissive should have called the safeword, when that submissive is in deep subspace from the play created by the said Dominant?

- Another lady Dominant told us this comment: She didn't like the fact that a safeword would permit her submissive to control the scene. At first I almost told her that she was wrong.....until I realized that she had a point and I kept my mouth shut! I have witnessed some submissive using their safewords for just about any reason you could think of but safety and emergency!!!! . They used their safewords because they are cold.....because they are thirsty.....because they feel uncomfortable in their bondage....! Don't you think that such occurrence would be better dealt with by using a slowword? More to the point; if a sub can only talk to his (her) Dom by using the safewords, there is a huge problem in communication and in the negotiation between this couples! I have to partially agree with this lady Dominant because; I have witnessed myself such behavior from submissive which makes her point valid but, I still strongly believe that safewords must be part of any BDSM relationship. If Safewords are being used to much; this is a matter that must be resolved by both the Dominant and submissive together.

- A well-known Pro Domme was saying how good she was, on the fact that she was able to have her customers (male submissives) say the safeword quickly in all her scene with them.......I don't know about you, but I am very proud that the safewords are rarely used in our scenes despite that some of our scene are quite hard!

- During the discipline of a submissive, a Dominant will ignore the safeword.....I have seen this, yes! And this relationship that I am thinking about simply exploded shortly after this event! We do not believed in corporal punishment but we accept the belief of people who want this in their relationship. If corporal punishment is used, it has to be apply within' certain rules that have been negotiated before. The safeword is a safety device. So even during punishment, the safeword must be maintained and be respected. If it is being call, it means that the submissive could be in difficulties. And just imagine what would happen if a Dominant ignored the calling of a safeword....to find out that after the fact, the submissive is really hurt and damaged that 9-1-1 must be called! Then, when the first aid arrive and notice the BDSM paraphernalia around, don't be surprised if the police is called by them creating all kind of trouble for the Dominant!

- A Dominant not respecting the safeword. Again, this has been witnessed. Just think of the damage on the submissive trust if the submissive calls the safeword and the Dom says "No! You can take more!" Just imagine how bad the reputation of the Dominant would be if in a public scene, the Dom wanting to show off, ignoring the very public calling of the safeword......yes, this we have seen!

A last example:

- During a public party, the safeword is called by the submissive...."Red!" The very honest answer of the Dominant...."What the hell do you mean by red?" Yes, some people have no ideas of what a safeword is for!

You see, even the usage of safewords is far from being simple!

Negotiation and Safeword:

The safeword is usually discussed as it should be, during the negotiation between two new partners. We actually have an article about negotiation at: "Negotiation".

In the article about negotiation; we mention that negotiation must be an ongoing thing all through the relationship. Discussing about the safewords is part of that too!

During the negotiation, ask yourselves these questions:

- What is the safeword? (Red is very popular!)

- When to use the safeword? (Only in critical and emergency situation?)

- What should happen when the safeword is called? (What safety measures should be taken?)

- Do you need a "slowword"? When and how will you use it?

A Dominant that does not respect a safe words is not someone you can trust.....but a submissive who uses it the safeword often for nothing ....or not at all when they should, is no better either!

Learn to use the safeword wisely. On the calling of the safeword, Dominant, react quickly and precisely. Know what needs to be done!

If a safeword is called and the situation is resolved COMPLETELY and there is no harm to the any of the partner, if it is possible, the scene can start again. If somebody is hurt, the scene MUST stop and any injury must be taken care of.

Later, after a situation where a safeword was called, when both partner are relaxed; the reasons why the safeword was call and the way it was address should be part of a conversation between the partner to analyse and talk about how to improve the way to react to another possible safeword.

For new partners, a safeword is important and yes, after some time, the safeword may not be needed, but would you remove the safety belts in your car on the fact that you are a good driver? No! Even if you are a good driver, accidents happen and a safeword is a very cheap and easy way to keep your BDSM safe!

Have fun and be safe!

 

Maître Pierre

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