I never hide what I am to people around Me. I don't advertise it either, but I don't hide what I am.

Lately an event at work made me think a lot about that statement. I am a drummer. A bit ago, I was kicked out of My previous band with whom I was associated for 7 years, because they found out about My BDSM. Since then, I have been looking for another band with whom I could play music. At work, a coworker who knew about My search for a band, approached Me because he was looking for a drummer for his own band. After a bit of discussion, We discovered that musically, We were "compatible". So a meeting was set so I could meet the rest of the band and they in turn could meet Me.

The morning of the day of the meeting, a working day, I saw my coworker and I asked him; "Everything OK for tonight?" and he gives me the thumbs up. So I went to do my job.

I work on the road in a technical field, so when My pager rang and I saw the coworker's office phone number, I was not surprised! But I was surprised when I talked to him!

Here is a record of our discussion (his name was changed for obvious reasons)

Me: "Hey Joe! This is Pierre! What's up?"
Joe: "Pierre! The meeting is off for tonight!"
Me: "Oh!!! It's a shame! When do we meet then?"
Joe" "Well, not tonight, not tomorrow, not next week, not next year!!!!!"
Me: "What??????"
Joe: "The trust is broken between us, get lost!"
Me: "What!!!! What are you talking about!!!!!!!"
Joe (now yelling on the phone): " I told you to get lost you f....... asshole.....!!!!!"
Me: "Joe, what the hell is going on!!!!! I will talk to you at the end of the shift!!!"
Joe still yelling on the phone!: " Are you f...... deaf!!!! I told you to get lost!!!!"

And at this point he hung up the phone on Me.

When I came back to the office, at the end of my shift, I obviously wanted to talk to him, but he had already left work.

But an envelope was waiting for me.

In it, a letter:

" I told you to get lost! Find another band to play music with! I don't want to talk to you. If you come near me I am going to kill you!!!"

To this day, I don't know why I got this extreme reaction from him. Now at work, Joe avoids Me like the plague and I don't try to talk to him.

Now, let's go back a couple of years;

A few years ago, for reasons too long to explain here, I had to tell people around me what I was. I was careful to whom I told about My BDSM. The effect was the same.....very bad!!!!

Remember, Most vanilla people don't know what BDSM is. For most vanilla people, BDSMers are sick people who love to give or receive pain. They don't get any of the nuances about Domming and submitting nor do they understand the need for an S&M scene. The bondage, well, tying up someone is sick!!!! And to makes matters worst, many vanilla people mix BDSM and pedophilia. Don't ask me why, I don't know!!!

So:

Here is what I have learned the hard way:

- For someone vanilla, to find a BDSMer around them (in the family, friends or at work) makes for very juicy gossip. Don't expect vanilla people who don't understand BDSM to keep something like this a secret.

- Vanilla people are scared of what they don't understand. They don't understand BDSM. For many of them, after knowing about something like this about someone around them, they will be scared that the BDSMer will want to "hurt" them for his or her fun. They don't understand or care about the "safe, sane and consensual" philosophy in BDSM.

Now, for some advice:

- On this website, I for one, push really hard values like; honesty and keeping discussion open. You will be surprised to read that now I say: "for vanilla people, what they don't know will not hurt them"

- You are bedroom players: Keep your play in the bedroom.

- You are public players: Be careful that vanilla people around you NEVER learn about what and who you are.

A BDSM friend once told me that if He was exposed as a BDSMer, he would do 3 things:
- He would deny it
- He would deny it
- and He would deny it.

I think He is right. Someone accuses you of being one of those sick perverts.... Create a BIG scene saying that you want them to stop saying these things about you and threaten to sue if they continue. If it happens, stop being public for a while.

In my case, in the past, things went from bad to worst. Socially, my exposure about my BDSM was a mistake. At the time, it seemed the best thing to do. If I had to do the same thing, in the same situation, I would probably do it again. But today I keep this very quiet, but it is too late. Yes, socially, this was very costly for me. Many friends and family don't speak to me anymore. Some of My coworkers don't deal well with this. At work, I now have a reputation, even if I have been working at this job for more than 13 years. Even if I have no proof, I believe that my problem with Joe, comes from this. (He didn't know about my reputation and probably, a good soul, wanting to help, must have informed him about this reputation.)

In the very small world of musicians, I think more and more that I am "burned" now. I will probably never play music with some of the people I admired and with whom I played. I love BDSM but I love music almost more and now it will be very hard for me to find other musicians, who are not part of this little world.

I have to be what I am and I will. But, if you can avoid this hell, please be careful. Still today, I have not found a way to get out of this hell.

Remember; What vanilla people don't know, won't hurt them.

I am Pierre, Dominant in BDSM, drummer, music lover.....and sick pervert for many people.