Being a newbie, a curse?
Like in anything, in BDSM there is a first time for everything and this is exactly what I want to talk about. My original title was "The Curse of the newbie". Sometimes, I feel there is a curse in being a newbie in BDSM and you either feel that nobody wants you or worst, you are now fresh meat for some!
In this perfect world that BDSM is (hmmmm!) there are difference between men and women who begin in BDSM. It create this situation that I describe as "The curse of the newbie!"
If you are a Dom (Top) and you are new in BDSM, it seems that this is used against you and often by women that are new to the lifestyle too!!!!!! It seems that women feel the need to find an experience Dominant partner, creating problems to Dominant men that begin! Their only posibility for the new Dominant men to find a female sub is to lie or change the truth a bit!
I am the first one to insist about being honest and telling the truth. How the hell a new Dominant man that begins in the lifestyle can fight something like that! I would say that the submissive women in the lifestyle should change their belief about this, because, they are the one who create this situation after all, but, we all know that pigs could start flying before this happened! There is not much that the new Dominant men in the lifestyle can do!
My suggestion is to stay honest. If a lady insists about wanting a Dom with experience, and you are beginning, just let her go to someone else....it is HER lost, and anyway, at the first problem, it will be thrown at your face that you are a beginner.... Just imagine; you lie to the lady and later on, she found out about the fact you were a beginner. That situation put a huge cold in the relationship, relationship that could explode because you lied! Worse; let's say that the relationship do explode, and the lady in question tell everyone that you are a liar.....This is really a loose / loose situation.
Experienced or not, it is still hard to find a partner when you are a submissive men. But if you are young and handsome, you may find yourself in a situation that is very similar to what women go through.... Patience and tenacity are the keys!
Being a beginner in BDSM is VERY different from men when you are a woman beginning in BDSM.
Believe it or not, even if you are advertising yourself as a submissive woman, there will be men kneeling in front of you, begging you to dominate them. Dominant women are very rare in BDSM. (I am not talking about pro-Dommes because, many of them, not all, have NO BDSM interest but the content of the wallet of their customer.) Yes women with genuine BDSM needs are rare. It mean that, when you advertise yourself as a female Dominant, you will have a list of men wanting to submit, even if you are a beginner!
Still today, there are more men than women in the lifestyle. According to a survey we made in 2007, there is about 3 men for every women (Domme and submissive) in the lifestyle. It mean that submissive women too, are in a good position to find a partner, yet, here, there is a very particular situation; women without experience is a very precious commodity in the BDSM market for BDSM submissive.
I must admit, I have a beef in this situation; Catharine and I have seen many Dominant men doing twist and turn to find a submissive female partner without experience, to have the thrill of "feeding" from a newbie female submissive. The Dom will give them a "proper training" in which they are going to give the submissive some values about what a submissive should be, well, according to them. Here is the problem; For us, a BDSM relationship is a long term one, where, slowly, the BDSM values are build upon time for a long term relationship, but these Dom do not want a long relationship, they just want the thrill of the "first time" and after getting it, they will not care about that submissive, leaving her often hurt and broken or at best, very confused about BDSM. We have seen many female submissive quit the lifestyle because of situation like this Incidentally, often these submissive were looking for a long term relationship with an experienced Dom ......
If you are a young and attractive woman, you will have a lineup of men wanting you as a partner..... You are a prize that often, they will want to show, but some Dominant men, after having play with their new "toy" will abandon it to find a "newer toy". ....Oh! If you think that you are not young and pretty, beware, you may be shocked to discover that you are a precious prize for men that think otherwise.
Ladies, I know that there are many that are saying " you must get an Experience Dom." If you are just looking for a short sexual game, it is perfect, but if you are looking for a long term relationship, bewares of not making the mistake of missing a good life Dominant partner because he is less experienced! I must put things back in perspective; yes, you may find a long permanent BDSM relationship with a experienced Dom, but, if you are talking with an experienced Dom, ask yourselves; where did he get all this experience, why he isn't with a sub now? Remember, as in life, in BDSM the saying is still true; "what shine isn't always made of gold!"
BDSM is a merciless world. When you are a beginner in BDSM, for different reasons, you become either an unwanted person (men looking for female Dom and being consider like am unwanted competitor) or you become a prey. Yet, I believe in honesty in BDSM. The only way to survive is to stay honest and careful. Do not rush into BDSM. Yes, I admit that we all want this relationship quickly, but, stay focus and take the time to negotiate when it is the time.
Be patient. If you are a man, remember that the odds are against you, but, we know of men finding partners. If you are a woman, be careful.
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